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The Voice of New Rochelle: The 2011 Liner Awards

The author presents to you the 2011 Liner Awards, his radio version of those stories in 2011 that have him still scratching his head or clapping his hands.

A liner in radio is an announcement of a sentence, or two, sometimes set to music, which might convey an idea, a season of the year or a show promo.  

A good example would be: “It’s cold outside, stay warm and entertained by listening to Bob Marrone every day right here on WVOX.” Well, there is no such liner at our shop—never has been—but I often fantasize that there is.

Anyway, I am sure you get the gist. Without further ado, I give you the 2011 Liner Awards: 

“Set a spell in White Plains City court and listen as the National Organization for Women, AKA the judge and county prosecutors, roast former mayor Adam Bradley for being a male.” This liner would be set to—ahem—the Nutcracker Suite. 

“Listen as the Mamaroneck cops make their case to get their very own murder mystery on TV’s CSI. Will they solve the Steven Spina case before JFK’s killer is found?”  

“And not to be out done, keep it right here as the Bloomington, IN, police, hot on the trail of missing Westchester college student Lauren Spierer rack up overtime trying to find their own butts with both hands.” 

“Tune in next week to listen to radio’s only talent hunt show, Westchester Republican Vetting. Listen as our microphones take you from the cave where the Protocols of the Elders of Zion was written, to the family courts of two states, back to upstate New York where aspiring hacks will run to get coffee, so long as you put them on the ballot.” 

“Faster than a back-room deal, able to leap common sense in a single bound, look out, it’s a Liberal, it’s a Conservative, no, it’s a Democrat or a Republican...it’s the Independence Party of Westchester County. Disguised by its leader, a mild-mannered doctor from somewhere in the metropolitan area, it fights a never ending battle for, for—we really don’t know. Listen in anyway.” 

“He’s educated! He’s eloquent! He’s a decent human being! That’s why we hate him right down to the marrow of his bones. He is New Rochelle Mayor Noam Bramson. Listen every other week as he makes us sick.” This message brought to you by a small, but dedicated, group of conservative residents.  

“Coming soon to the radio near you—Fukushima Eats Indian Point. Yes, you’ve been warned by the governor and other politicians more afraid of losing your vote than you are of nuclear power, that it could happen here. Tremble along with your fellow listeners as an asteroid, predicted in the Bible, redirected by radical Islamists, slams into the power plant in Buchanan. Listen as terror-filled citizens join others frantically fleeing that other prevarication, the 2 percent tax cap.” Please note more people have probably died from choking on food or slipping in the bath tub, since this column was written, than have ever been killed by American nuclear power. 

And what radio station has ever survived without some religious programming.  Thus:

“Next week on God Asked Me to Run, we’ll look over the shoulder at the Big Guy as he emails Michele Bachmann with the sacred request to run for the land’s highest office; tweets Herman Cain with the unforgettable message, ‘get out and don’t make me come over there’ and shows up at Sarah Palin’s house, without cake or wine, to tell her in person, ‘you betcha, do it.’ ”  

Happy New Year.

CORRECTION: A previous version of this op-ed contained an incorrect spelling of Herman Cain's name. Patch regrets the error.

Stephen I. Mayo January 06, 2012 at 06:26 AM
As to the metaphysically-suspect entity known mainly to himself as "nrtruth2:" People of ordinary discretion would never reply directly to one so cowardly as "nrtruth2;" one who has to hide behind a pseudonym while spewing his insinuations, fables and downright falsehoods (and inflicting on Patch readers so many insults to ordinary rules of spelling and grammar while doing it!). In order to make sense of the unfortunate "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" citation atop this chain of commentary, however, an exception must be made here. As if to underline his nefarious designs, the "entity" finally aborts his clumsy and counterfeit delineation of someone else's political and religious affiliations in three prior entries, by dropping the matter entirely from his penultimate published post. It is a relief to eventually read the last of the series; a reasonably coherent paragraph, free of major orthographic defects on this, his FOURTH TRY! Those of a charitable disposition will eagerly anticipate the day "nrtruth2" abandons the lonely netherworld of anonymous web commentary. Have to wonder if he abjures the placement of return addresses on regular mail though.
Bob Marrone January 13, 2012 at 05:34 AM
Dear New Rochelle South, Sorry that I have not responded sooner. I have been tied up with personal issues and not had time to catch up.. First, after I posted my column and heard that there were some concerns, I was worried that my "satire", as Mr. Mayo points out, might be interpreted that I was accusing the Republican party of being anti-semetic. Since you inferred that, and some others may have, I do owe an apology. I think nothing of the sort and do apologize if I gave that impression. I will, though, share the basis for my use of "Elders" reference. As you may know know, two years ago the Republicans nominated someone who has been accused of anti-semetic writings and had to drop him from the ticket. Thus my reference to where they recruit. It was tough satire about their poor vetting skills. But I am troubled that some may have offended. I ran the idea by several Jewish associates, and they were not offended. But the proof is in the reactions, such as yours. Now,please, go easy on the personal attacks. My name and picture is on the column. I am easy to get a hold of and ask why. While I stand by the use of satire, I know it can miss the mark, but I never intend it to be mean spirited. Anyway, thanks for commenting. and pleas e keep reading.
Bob Marrone January 13, 2012 at 05:39 AM
Steve, See above. Yes, it was part of satire. But, no, I cannot just write it off. I am not trying to to partisan , only funny. The Republican part does not deserve to be thought of as anti semetic and I am sorry that I gave that impression. I will apologize to part head one on one.
Bob Marrone January 13, 2012 at 05:50 AM
CALM DOWN. The Republicans and Steven Mayo are not anti semetic. I choose a phrase I thought was funny and should have thought it through better. In my opinion, Steve is still smarting from his election and is responding to all kinds of things, maybe he too is questioning his choice of words. He worked hard, is a decent guy and lost a tough race. He also must have bought a new disctionary,
newrochellesouth January 13, 2012 at 01:23 PM
Thank you for your apology. If I was a Republican I would accept it for them. I would suggest that you be more careful in your satire. It takes a certain skill to be satirical without being mean or bitter and in this case you clearly blew it. I appreciate that you recognize that.

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