The Voice of New Rochelle: The 2011 Liner Awards

A liner in radio is an announcement of a sentence, or two, sometimes set to music, which might convey an idea, a season of the year or a show promo.  

A good example would be: “It’s cold outside, stay warm and entertained by listening to Bob Marrone every day right here on WVOX.” Well, there is no such liner at our shop—never has been—but I often fantasize that there is.

Anyway, I am sure you get the gist. Without further ado, I give you the 2011 Liner Awards: 

“Set a spell in White Plains City court and listen as the National Organization for Women, AKA the judge and county prosecutors, roast former mayor Adam Bradley for being a male.” This liner would be set to—ahem—the Nutcracker Suite. 

“Listen as the Mamaroneck cops make their case to get their very own murder mystery on TV’s CSI. Will they solve the Steven Spina case before JFK’s killer is found?”  

“And not to be out done, keep it right here as the Bloomington, IN, police, hot on the trail of missing Westchester college student Lauren Spierer rack up overtime trying to find their own butts with both hands.” 

“Tune in next week to listen to radio’s only talent hunt show, Westchester Republican Vetting. Listen as our microphones take you from the cave where the Protocols of the Elders of Zion was written, to the family courts of two states, back to upstate New York where aspiring hacks will run to get coffee, so long as you put them on the ballot.” 

“Faster than a back-room deal, able to leap common sense in a single bound, look out, it’s a Liberal, it’s a Conservative, no, it’s a Democrat or a Republican...it’s the Independence Party of Westchester County. Disguised by its leader, a mild-mannered doctor from somewhere in the metropolitan area, it fights a never ending battle for, for—we really don’t know. Listen in anyway.” 

“He’s educated! He’s eloquent! He’s a decent human being! That’s why we hate him right down to the marrow of his bones. He is New Rochelle Mayor Noam Bramson. Listen every other week as he makes us sick.” This message brought to you by a small, but dedicated, group of conservative residents.  

“Coming soon to the radio near you—Fukushima Eats Indian Point. Yes, you’ve been warned by the governor and other politicians more afraid of losing your vote than you are of nuclear power, that it could happen here. Tremble along with your fellow listeners as an asteroid, predicted in the Bible, redirected by radical Islamists, slams into the power plant in Buchanan. Listen as terror-filled citizens join others frantically fleeing that other prevarication, the 2 percent tax cap.” Please note more people have probably died from choking on food or slipping in the bath tub, since this column was written, than have ever been killed by American nuclear power. 

And what radio station has ever survived without some religious programming.  Thus:

“Next week on God Asked Me to Run, we’ll look over the shoulder at the Big Guy as he emails Michele Bachmann with the sacred request to run for the land’s highest office; tweets Herman Cain with the unforgettable message, ‘get out and don’t make me come over there’ and shows up at Sarah Palin’s house, without cake or wine, to tell her in person, ‘you betcha, do it.’ ”  

Happy New Year.

CORRECTION: A previous version of this op-ed contained an incorrect spelling of Herman Cain's name. Patch regrets the error.